Marriage
To have, to hold, to discuss
8 topics to discuss before Marriage
It's time to talk.
We know, we know. You've been dating for a while, and you're ready to get engaged. But before you do that, there are some things you should discuss with your partner—and if you don't have the chance to talk about them first, then it could be too late.
Here are eight important things you should discuss with your partner before marriage:
1. Importance of intimacy and sex
It is important to discuss sex expectations in a relationship. Taking the time to discuss expectations and how and when you may need intimacy can help clarify those expectations and expand your knowledge of the other person (whilst also exploring our own beliefs). It may feel uncomfortable at first to talk about these things with your partner but eventually it can open the door to more communication in the relationship. It is also important to explore your own intimacy and sexual needs.
2. Discuss love languages
Why is this important? Everyone has an unique way to receive and express love. It is crucial that your partner understands what you perceive as love and affection to assure that you are getting your needs met. It is equally important to understand that your partner may not accept and receive love in the same way as you do and that is normal. We all have different experiences when it comes to expressing powerful emotions. There are plenty quick & easy quizzes online to figure out your love language and know that these may change through time.
3. Money
We have heard it time and time again that financial stress is one of the leading causes of marriages ending. We are very hesitant to speak about finances because the topic seems to be heavily weighted. It is such an important topic to discuss, especially before marriage. Some questions to think about: Are you both on the same page financially? Do either of you have debt? What are your plans for paying it off? Are there any credit cards that need to be cancelled before you tie the knot? Are there any investments or savings accounts that need to be divided up between the two of you?
4. When/If to have Children
This is also one of those “make it or break it” questions for many couples. The experience of wanting to have children is not to be assumed. It is important to discuss this want in its entirety and discuss what having children will mean for both of you, or not. Some questions to think about: How many kids do both of you want? When do you want them? Do either of you have experience being around kids? If not, how do they feel about learning as they go along?
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5. How you will celebrate holidays and Religion
Holiday behavior is definitely unique to each individual. Some may have grown up looking forward to the holidays and spend a great deal of time and effort preparing for this. While in other families, the holidays were not so important. Another aspect is religion. It is important to consider: What religion do both of your families belong to (if any)? How will this affect your relationship—and what will happen when one person wants to raise their children in one religion while the other wants to raise them in another?
6. How to divide chores & household responsibilities
What sorts of things do you expect your partner to do? What are things around the house that you do not particularly want to do? What tasks are you willing to outsource (and what are the financial implications of this?) Who is doing the cooking and cleaning? Ideally, we strive for partnership when completing tasks but each partner should have ownership over certain tasks around the house.
7. How to resolve arguments
Arguments will happen, that is a guarantee. How partners choose to resolve arguments is key. One of the most important things a couple can do is decide how they want to handle conflict between them. It is the difference between success in marriage and divorce. A successful marriage takes commitment, understanding, communication and support. It is not always easy to live with another person. You have different likes and dislikes but you must overcome those for the benefit of your relationship.
8. How you will handle in laws and extended family
Try to maintain a healthy, open discussion with your significant other. Sometimes you'll be able to come to a mutual understanding and make progress in reaching a resolution, but sometimes you won't. Dealing with concrete issues like family visits and disagreements over finances will be easier if both parties are open minded about the situation and willing to work towards an achievable goal, but it will also take time for your partner's family to adapt to their new role in the picture, whether that means taking on a friendlier or rigid stance with you (and vice versa). Ultimately, it comes down to respect: respect for one another's wishes regarding their relationships with others, yourself included. Discuss what are your expectations around how much you expect your partner to communicate with your family. Are there topics that are off limits? How often do you need to see your family and vice versa? What about the future, discussing aging parents is crucial as well.
The bottom line is that if you want to have a happy, fulfilling marriage, you'll want to think ahead about what that might look like, and plan for it accordingly. For more information about these tips--and plenty more--check out our full article on marriage advice. Whatever your circumstances may be, the time you spend planning and discussing the areas within your marriage where compromise might be in order will be time well spent. However, as much as we can plan out our future to make it a better place to live, not everything we do will pan out the way we imagined. And that's totally normal. We've found that our view of a happy marriage often changes with experience. The trick is to change our outlook for the better as we grow and develop as people.
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